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03 September 2009 @ 09:24 pm
I feel like killing myself tonight. It would be really easy too. The urge hit so hard. Followed by the intense desire to drink to kill the pain.

I cut for the first time in ages, and I think I re-fractured a knuckle. I don't even care. I don't even know why I bothered to post this here tonight. No one actually reads this journal anyway.
12 June 2009 @ 09:23 pm
Geodon is not a nice drug. ijs.
24 May 2009 @ 09:51 am
I was diagnosed a year ago dual diagnosis bipolar and alcoholic (though I knew that one already). I've been on Lamicatal for mood stability and just started Prozac. Anyway, I have almost 5 months sober, and we've upped my dosage of Prozac a couple of times now. I hadn't been craving badly until the last month or so, and they're so intense it's like I'm going to die if I don't go drink.

I had initially thought it was just the "pink cloud" stage ending. I also recently had some dental work (a root canal that wound up hurting like fuck), and was given narcotics, which I overdosed myself with on purpose and asked for refills that I probably could have lived without. I'm sure probably helped to get me craving again. But I read something just yesterday that said that a lot of drugs that increase serotonin (including Prozac) can cause "intense cravings". I'm planning to talk to my psychologist, but I was curious if anyone else has experienced this on antidepressants?
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
16 March 2009 @ 08:50 am
So I relapsed over the fall, and I'm back to 71 days. I had nearly 90 before I relapsed, so I'm back on track. I'm really struggling, though. I was sexually harassed/assaulted at work last Tuesday, and I've been having minor panic attacks. My diet has gone to shit (I'd lost 14 pounds!) and I've started craving really badly, just to calm myself. I've never struggled with bad cravings before. Now that I'm on meds for depression and to treat my bipolar disorder, I've found it somewhat easy not to drink. But now it's HARD.

My husband had oral surgery recently, and I found myself stealing some of his pain medicine. I took it, and thankfully it made me sick, so I won't be trying that again, but I WANT something so badly. *sigh* I don't want to relapse again, but I feel it coming. I want it to stop.
13 January 2009 @ 03:43 am
Been a while. Wonder if any of y'all even remember me...

My last post in October sort of set the tone for the end of my 2008. Fell off the wagon, totally and completely. Started drinking beer, then wine, then whiskey. Talked my husband into buying me wine when I was sick to "help me sleep". He knew about the wine even after the illness passed, but I hid the whiskey and beer. The only reason I even let him know about the wine was so if he noticed I was tipsy at all, I'd have something to blame. I could have said, 'No, honey, it's not the half bottle of whiskey I just chugged in the bathroom, it's the two glasses of cheap boxed wine that's making me a little loose.'

Thankfully, it didn't get so bad that couldn't hide it. Or maybe I shouldn't be thankful. I don't know. Maybe I needed to be caught. Doesn't matter now.

I started avoiding therapy in November, then fell off my meds and nearly killed myself this December. Literally. Christmas Eve, drinking and off my mood stabilizers, was the closest I have ever actually come to slicing my wrists.

I got back into therapy and admitted everything on the 5th, and she gave me stuff to help me sleep so I could quit again. Now I have eight days. Eight days. It feels like nothing.

I know I should go in for a meeting, but... I don't know. I keep feeling like there are more important things to do. Which there aren't. But you know how it is, probably.

Urgh, it's 4am. I ought to go to bed.
Current Mood: listlesslistless
15 October 2008 @ 01:03 pm

I had 73 days. SEVENTY-THREE. And I drank this weekend.

I DIDN'T get drunk. I actually drank responsibly, amazingly, and I didn't drink because I was upset or emotional.

That doesn't change the fact that I AM an alcoholic, though. And I won't lie and say it didn't tempt me to buy a bottle of whiskey on Monday.

But I didn't.

So the question is, do I reset my counter? Do I start over at one day for Monday?

Current Mood: confusedconfused
07 September 2008 @ 09:21 am
I'm starting to think the only reason I never seriously attempted to kill myself before now was because I was always able to numb the pain with one or two or ten drinks.

I haven't gone to meetings. I've been avoiding my therapist for a week and a half. I haven't slept in three days, and now I find myself lying in bed at night just stuck thinking about shitty things I haven't thought about in ten or more years! Shitty things that didn't even happen when or because I was drunk! I am so pissed off that I can't drink and just fucking forget, or even drink just to fucking sleep, and so fucking depressed. Stupid anti-depressants aren't working either. Apparently, according to my therapist, my depression is "treatment resistant". Really? I hadn't noticed. [/sarcasm]

Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
19 August 2008 @ 07:32 pm
Jesus, twenty-three days (or nearly that) sober, man. Three weeks. It's almost unreal.

I'm finding this easier to deal with when I don't go to meetings and listen to people talk about it. I'm not thinking about it when I don't go. It's been... amazingly easy lately. I never thought I'd say that.

In the back of my mind though, I keep hearing the stories I've heard in AA about people who got too comfortable in their sobriety, people who never "truly worked" the steps, how easy it was to slip. I supposed I should make myself go even if it makes things harder, and even if it hurts.

I should at least go pick up my yellow chip next Tuesday, anyhow. I've not been sober this long in a Very Long Time.
Current Mood: restlessrestless
12 August 2008 @ 07:51 pm
It's been nearly a week since my last post and thank you to everyone who was so nice to me. I didn't drink (actually, it was damn near a miracle - no one else did that night either, which never happens in my family. I thought I might have entered some strange parallel universe.), and still haven't drank. Today is day 15 for me. :) In the last seven years (maybe longer), I have never strung together more than 4-5 days of sobriety in a row.

I went to several meetings over the weekend. I still can't bring myself to say anything in them. It's stupid, I know. As my therapist said, even if I've felt like an outsider my entire life, I'm not in those rooms. And I know it's true, but it's much easier to understand things intellectually than it is emotionally. So I sit in the meetings and try to convince myself to speak, and then let it build up into this big deal in my head until I'm afraid to open my mouth. I very likely might cry through the entire thing when I finally do.

Speaking of which, Sunday was hard. I was on the verge of tears all day long. I went to the meeting determined to talk, and yet again did not, which only made me more down on myself. I was convinced I was going to drink, because I just didn't understand the pain or how to get rid of it, and nearly went to a second meeting that night. *shakes head* I am a mess. But I am struggling and fighting my way through it.

My disease (I think) keeps telling me it would be easier if I didn't go to the meetings, that it would be easier not to sit around with a bunch of other drunks and talk about booze, that I could just shove it all under the rug and this would be easier to deal with. But... I've been shoving things under the rug for 15 years, haven't I? That's what the drinking was about.

I don't know. I just know I need to speak soon and get phone numbers at meetings, or I might just lose it. *sigh* Still, I am proud of the progress I've made, as proud as I can ever allow myself to be.
07 August 2008 @ 09:25 am
Day 10.... and I went to the grocery store yesterday for the first time since quitting. I really wasn't expecting it to be hard, but there was beer on every damn endcap and display. And I kept trying to tell myself that I could buy a six pack, and I could drink a couple. I like the taste. It wouldn't be to get drunk (I never get drunk on beer anyway). I told myself I could handle it. Then I thought maybe I could just get non-alcoholic beer if it was just about the taste.

Not only was that not appealing - which proves to me that no matter what I told myself, it wasn't just because I wanted the taste - but I knew it would only exacerbate my desire for real beer. And I'm not even a beer drinker!!! *sigh*

Cunning, baffling, and powerful. AA got that part right.

I really needed a meeting after that yesterday. I didn't expect something like grocery shopping to be so hard, but I was ANGRY by the time I left. Unfortunately, I didn't have time for a meeting yesterday, and I won't today either. Which is extra bad. I'm having dinner with my family tonight and EVERYONE drinks. Everyone expects me to drink too. My husband has graciously offered to go too, as support, but even he won't say anything if I pick up a drink. Not in front of them, anyway.

*sigh* Going to be a rough night. Wish me luck and strength please..
Current Mood: crappystruggling