It's been nearly a week since my last post and thank you to everyone who was so nice to me. I didn't drink (actually, it was damn near a miracle - no one else did that night either, which never happens in my family. I thought I might have entered some strange parallel universe.), and still haven't drank. Today is day 15 for me. :) In the last seven years (maybe longer), I have never strung together more than 4-5 days of sobriety in a row.
I went to several meetings over the weekend. I still can't bring myself to say anything in them. It's stupid, I know. As my therapist said, even if I've felt like an outsider my entire life, I'm not in those rooms. And I know it's true, but it's much easier to understand things intellectually than it is emotionally. So I sit in the meetings and try to convince myself to speak, and then let it build up into this big deal in my head until I'm afraid to open my mouth. I very likely might cry through the entire thing when I finally do.
Speaking of which, Sunday was hard. I was on the verge of tears all day long. I went to the meeting determined to talk, and yet again did not, which only made me more down on myself. I was convinced I was going to drink, because I just didn't understand the pain or how to get rid of it, and nearly went to a second meeting that night. *shakes head* I am a mess. But I am struggling and fighting my way through it.
My disease (I think) keeps telling me it would be easier if I didn't go to the meetings, that it would be easier not to sit around with a bunch of other drunks and talk about booze, that I could just shove it all under the rug and this would be easier to deal with. But... I've been shoving things under the rug for 15 years, haven't I? That's what the drinking was about.
I don't know. I just know I need to speak soon and get phone numbers at meetings, or I might just lose it. *sigh* Still, I am proud of the progress I've made, as proud as I can ever allow myself to be.